Creating a life of your own making

So my Mom left this book at my house during her last visit, 10-10-10 by Suzy Welch. Suzy Welch is a regular Oprah-related commentator, and in her words, her book is about "a new approach to making choices that will allow you to create a life of your own making..." (p.3). The decision-making tool Welch teaches involves framing a question about an action to take in one's life, and then visualizing the consequences of that action or inaction in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years, and making one's decision based on the analysis of those potential consequences.

I think Welch's decision-making tool is a good one, and I will attempt to use it as we continue in our discernment process. But I have a problem with the language of "creating a life of your own making." This is one of those places where Christian faith smacks up against prevailing individualistic and consumerist cultural notions. I think the idea that a person can have "a life of one's own making" encourages a kind of self-idolatry and perpetuates the very crushing expectations from which Welch wants to help liberate us.

The thing is, our lives are never "of our own making." After all, not a one of us had a choice about being born. In fact, our lives result from a long line of choices that were made before any one of us ever came to be. The stories of scripture tell us that we exist only because God chose to create us, human beings, from the dust of the earth. We are creatures, first and foremost, and we do not create lives, neither our own, nor anyone else's. We are always the humble recipients of God's incredibly gracious gift of life.

And yet, I don't want to perpetuate any kind of fatalism, and I don't buy "double predestination" as it has been used and described by theologians in the past. We do have free will, and so we have agency in living out our lives. There are choices to be made. But the question is not, "How do I create a life of my own making?" so much as "How do I faithfully live into the life for which I have been created?"

In our world, there are SO many choices. More and more, it seems to me, this is a defining issue for the ministry of pastors and preachers in our time. We are free to use the gifts God has given us, but we must exercise wisdom and good judgment so that our choices form us more closely in the image of Christ.

Labyrinthine Graduation Reflections

Well, it's official. After four years, Keith and I have finally graduated from Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. There's even a picture of us, walking out the door of University Presbyterian Church, where the commencement ceremony was held, on the seminary website to prove it (it's number 5 in the changing slideshow of images at the top of the page).

Now Keith and I have entered the "call process," seeking a call to ordained ministry in a Presbyterian Church, somewhere in the world. It's a bit of an overwhelming process. Somehow, through the Holy Spirit, we will encounter our match and begin a life-changing relationship with a group of people who have come together in this amazing thing called "church." The best comparison to this process in my experience is that of seeking, meeting, dating, and choosing a mate. So far it's been both exciting and frightening. We've taken the first step, entering a new labyrinth.

During this past momentous and busy month of May, I've had the chance to walk two different labyrinths. Just before we left for graduation, we went to a church in Ruston, Louisiana and walked their labyrinth. It was a beautiful labyrinth, a replica of the famous one in Chartres, France. A couple of days after our graduation, Keith, Lucas, and I walked another labyrinth, at John Knox Ranch, a Presbyterian camp and conference center south of Austin. It was in the classic style (check out Wikipedia's page on labyrinths, which displays various styles).

Both times, as I walked, I took the suggestion of Daniel Wolpert, in Creating a Life with God, who says that, while walking toward the center of the labyrinth, listen for and let go of the things which have become barriers to your relationship with God. In the center, rest in communion with God. As you leave the center to walk the outward path, listen for and accept where God is sending you on your continued journey of faith.

Keith and I took turns, alternately walking the labyrinth and attending to Lucas. Lucas enjoyed running crazily in and out of the labyrinth, seeming to delight in the rhythm of its lines and flow. I went first, and I walked somewhat quickly, wanting to make sure Keith would have ample time to walk. But even with this concern in mind, I settled into a comfortable pace, and I was aware of God's presence with us in that place.

I could not help but love Lucas' wild running exuberance, though at first it seemed an interruption. But then, those interruptions simply became part of the journey. As I walked the outward cycles, I came to new gratitude, receiving and accepting the life God has given me as a gift, which is now replete with such "interruptions." Instead of wishing that I could be off by myself, silently, as I might have been able before Lucas came into our lives, I gave thanks that I could practice both the spiritual discipline of the labyrinth and the practice of mothering Lucas . I gave thanks for the vocations of ministry, of marriage, and of motherhood, to which God has called me.

These experiences resonate with something I read in Gernot Candolini's book, Labyrinths: Walking Toward the Center. He writes, "For me the labyrinth is an invitation to turst that my life has both followed and is continuing on a good path. We can take the prevailing directives--'this is the way to do it right'--and lay them aside. I don't believe that my life is locked into a bewildering maze, with someone sitting in judgment behind every wrong turn mocking my stupidity. I believe in a path that I take in just the way I'm taking it. I ultimately believe in the great contradiction, the great paradox, the great mystery of life: that on one hand I am as a person utterly free, that I may be entirely myself, unique and irreplaceable; and that at the same time I am perfectly secure and led, completely embedded in a sure path" (p. 97).

I am grateful for the chance to walk these labyrinths at this time in my life, as I take leave of seminary and listen for God's call.

Fantasy and Reality

I love reading sci fi/fantasy novels, especially ones written for teenagers. Starting with Lloyd Alexander's Chronicles of Prydain in fourth grade, in my reading, I have gone on little vacations from this world and gallivanted around in mythopoetic worlds of all sorts. These "vacations" have been especially important for me during times of transition in my life.

Of course I love The Lord of the Rings and the Chronicles of Narnia as well as the whole Harry Potter series, but I've always felt a little guilty about this reading passion. However, over the past couple of years, I have realized that my love for mythic fantasy is very congruent with my love of the Bible and its narratives, as well as my passion for theology and philosophy. CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien (and even JK Rowling) all understood this long ago, but I'm only now catching up.

Well, I'm in another transition time in my life, as Keith and I prepare to graduate from seminary and continue the process of seeking a call to church ministry. And I have found myself drawn again to reading fantasy novels. Currently I'm reading The Books of Pellinor by Allison Croggon. I came across them in the local library's "Young Adult Fiction" section, and I'm on the third of the quartet, called The Crow. Croggon, whose primary writing before these books was poetry, writes with breathtaking and beautiful detail, describing a beautiful world in extreme peril. The "Dark" is rising again, bringing with it horrifying violence, brutal inhumanity, and despair. The main characters, a girl named Maerad and her brother named Hem, orphans with tragic histories of slavery and neglect, discover that they are prophesied to put an end to this menacing evil in their world.

As I'm just beginning to think about the theology of fantasy, I've come across a wonderful essay Croggon has written about "The Reality of Fantasy." She articulates very clearly much of what has been circling about in my head as I've been reading. Croggon points out that, in order for fantasy to work, the world in which it is set must be described in almost hyper-realistic detail, so that it is believable for the reader. She also points out that one of the most essential aspects of fantasy or "fairy stories" is what Tolkien calls the "eucatastrophe," the sudden turn of events which moves the protagonists--and the reader--from despair to hope. It is an unexpected moment of grace, which does not deny the regular catastrophes in the world, but shows that those tragedies are never the end of the story.

For this reason, fantasies like those I have noted describe and wrestle with realities which are profoundly spiritual. They offer room for what Croggon calls "emotional catharsis," which is a deep human need. As they allow the reader to distance momentarily from the difficulties of his or her own life, fantasy stories also offer the reader a chance to come to new terms with those difficulties.

Not surprisingly, the primary virtue of protagonists in fantasy stories is courage, because those characters face dark realities in their world; and it is for this reason that fantasy stories can inspire courage in their readers to confront own lives with acceptance of the challenges they face. Croggon writes, "It is through fantasy that we may enter reality whole, unafraid of ourselves and so more able to deal with the fears we face in the world. Fantasy is not an evasion of reality, so much as an enabler of it."

I love this quote, and I love Croggon's books.

Pre-sermon musings at the Bangladesh Crossroads

Ten years ago this week, I was embroiled in making an excruciating decision. After five months in Bangladesh with the Peace Corps, I was beginning to recognize that it was a posting for which I was quite unprepared and badly suited. Yet, I had not yet relinquished my fantasies of doing "the toughest job you ever loved" as one of the first group of PCVs to serve in Bangladesh since 1963. I was in the grips of indecision, unable to make one of the most momentous choices I have had in my life: do I stay or do I go?

There was a lot riding on this decision for me. I was in love with the romantic ideal of Peace Corps service from the time I was ten years old. I dreamed of falling in love with a country and its people. But even more, I was in love with my own history of achievement. I had never really "failed" at anything up to this point. I had graduated from college with honors in Sociology and Anthropology, which ought to have meant I could handle the adaptation to Bangladeshi culture.

However, from almost the first day, I seemed to be struggling to survive Bangladesh. It began with a bad host family experience during training. Though my second host family was wonderful, the first one set the tone for my life in Bangladesh. My attempts to adapt always seemed to fall flat, bringing more trouble into my life. Every new behavior I tried on, hoping it would help me somehow integrate into life in Bangladesh, was a kind of ill-fitting clothing, stifling and smothering me.

The photo above represents my happiest times I had as a Peace Corps Volunteer, alone on a rooftop, above the chaotic reality of life in Bangladesh, reading or writing in my journal. But it also represents a fundamental problem I had relating to people in that place and time. I was extremely self-absorbed, in part because I was pretty confused about who I was and who I wanted to be. I wrestled constantly with what I now call the "should-demons," my critical inner voices, which made regular, coercive attempts to conform me to an unreachable ideal. With such inner conflict, I could hardly even see the people around me, which certainly inhibited the love affair I had dreamed about. All that inner wrangling eventually took so much energy that I could hardly function, let alone make good decisions to improve my situation.

Often, I simply shut the door on Bangladesh, barricaded myself in my room, and went deep inside myself. I went over and over the details of my story, looking for options. Every doorway I could envision out of that room seemed to involve death in some way. If I gave up and went home, I would see myself as a failure, and I thought everyone else would, too. If I stayed, I would have to keep trying to make this thing work, and the effort to do that might kill me. There was no way to come out of this thing living, it seemed, so I continued in the path I was on, my indecision rendering me inert, dead weight.

But then, in March 1999, I met some Christian missionaries. They opened their homes to me, invited me into conversation about my vocation, and prayed with me. They had a deep sense of call, empowered by their confidence that Jesus Christ could redeem anyone in any situation. I won't name them, in case they are still in Bangladesh, because "missionaries" were and probably are still officially not allowed there, if they intend to preach to Muslims. These missionaries came from a more "conservative" Christian perspective than I have myself. But however I feel about their efforts to evangelize Muslims, their Christian witness had a profound impact on a young woman from Indiana. In and through their testimony, in both their words and their actions, I met Jesus Christ.

Sure, I had been born into a Christian family, attended church my whole life, confirmed in eighth grade, and so on. To a certain extent, I was already a "believer," if believing means having a kind of intellectual agreement with various statements. And yet, I wasn't a believer at all in many respects. Certainly I saw Jesus as an important teacher of moral and ethical behavior, and I thought I was following him. But my self-absorbtion and strangling indecision in Bangladesh showed up the deeper truth. Yes, Jesus Christ lived, died, and rose again, redeeming sinners and reconciling humanity with God. But what did that really have to do with me?

"Judge not, lest ye be judged," Jesus preaches. When one of these missionaries quoted this statement to me, the light began to dawn for me. I valued my own judgment above and beyond God's judgment in Jesus Christ, whom Barth describes as "the judge who was judged in our place." The only problem was that my testimony against myself was inevitably damning. Believing the story my "should-demons" were telling me, I could never come out alive.

But, as the missionaries reminded me, Jesus had already been tried according to systems more unjust than my should-demons, tried, convicted, and sentenced to death. Jesus died, and Jesus has risen from that death. Jesus' resurrection was God's vindication, breaking forever the power of the unjust systems which had convicted him. By faith in Jesus, Christians join themselves to him, claiming his vindication as their own. Christians stake their lives on Jesus' witness to God's forgiving and vindicating love, which overcomes every barrier and births in us a new, empowering, eternal kind of life.

By April 1999, I had come to the crossroads. Any decision I made would determine the whole course of my future. I could stay in Bangladesh, finish out my Peace Corps term (another 18 months!) and go into the international non-profit work I had always assumed would come naturally after Peace Corps service. Or I could turn around, go home and start over, begin living out of a new direction for my life.

What it came down to was, which story would I stake my life on? If I continued to believe the "should-demons," all roads would lead to my death. I would be strangled, sooner or later, by impossible expectations. But if I began believing, truly believing, in Jesus Christ, and I began trusting that I, too, was forgiven and redeemed, than all roads would lead to life. I could even choose to stay in Bangladesh, empowered by that incredible love to exit the prison I had created for myself and take the risk of relationship. Or, I could go home and begin again. God would love me and empower me as a disciple in either place. I was free to choose.

I'm preaching this Sunday on Jesus' post-resurrection appearance to the disciples in Luke 24:36-48 (off lectionary). In that appearance, with his testimony, in which Jesus showed himself to be really alive and helped the disciples understand the scriptures, Jesus turned a bunch of fearful, undecided people into a powerful community of witnesses. In staking their lives on his story, they broke out of their closed room and risked relationships. Whenever and wherever

those witnesses tell that story faithfully, in their words and in their deeds, the witness to Jesus Christ has transformed the world, bringing true, eternal life.

Spring is springing...

The community garden is growing. All plots currently available are taken. And everything we planted in our plot is growing, including the eggplants, which waited a while to peek their sprouts through the soil. Keith reports that we actually have one tiny tomato and one tiny pepper already. I'm still amazed by the miracle of seeds sprouting and becoming.

Lucas is growing, too. Here he is in the Monroe church sanctuary, almost as tall as the pews. In a few years, we'll look back on this and think, "Was he ever that small?" I know this, because right now I'm looking at him thinking, "How did he get so big?" He is changing so quickly, getting new ideas every day about the world and trying them out. Lately he's been big on hats and ballcaps. He taps his head and points at the hats, hanging on the coathook, and we all put them on. Then we take them off, and hang them up, and the cycle begins again. If you see me, and I have hat-hair, now you know why.

We've been interns at the church for about eight months, and as we've been tinkering, trying out programs for young adults and families, we've been growing, too. It's hard to know how successful we've been at facilitating growth for the church, but certainly we've had lots of opportunities to experiment with our ideas about what might inspire people to deepen in their relationships to God and to each other.

I must admit that I'm impatient for results in all these kinds of growth. I'm impatient for the tomatoes to ripen. I'm impatient for Lucas to be able to talk in sentences and play more organized games with me. I'm impatient for the Young Adult ministry at this church to take off in numbers and enthusiasm.

But so much of growth is hidden. It's hard to see that it's happening until it's happened. And then the happening catches me by surprise. I pray to trust God in these hidden times of growth. I pray for help recognizing growth when it happens.

Here is a prayer from J. Philip Newell, from Celtic Treasure:

The earth is full of your goodness, O God.

It sprouts green and grows into the roundness of fruit.

Its touch and its taste enliven our souls.

Let us know the seeds of life's goodness within us and between us.

And let us handle its gifts with wonder.

Slowly, slowly

My Lucas has been sick this week, and time has gotten all wavy and wiggly on me. Like everyone else with kids these days, Keith and I have our schedules tightly knitted so that we can share work, household, and parenting duties. With Lucas home sick, everything must shift to accommodate someone staying home with him. The nice thing is, between the two of us, we are more than able to cover "one" ministry position (though the household and parenting positions may be questionable at times!).

However, weeks like this make me wonder about the younger families in our congregation and in our culture today. As we minister to these families, attempting to plan fellowship gatherings and Christian educational opportunities, it becomes rapidly clear how BUSY everyone seems to be in our world. Here in Monroe, once your kids have graduated from preschool, it seems that sports begin to take over your world. Life with preschoolers is isolating, so parents must look on the chance to integrate into the community's sports' scene as a relief at first, but then they seem to end up running from practice to practice, game to game, with nary a chance at taking a deep breath, let alone gathering for a church event.

This worries me, as I look at these parents and as I look at my rapidly growing boy. His latest trick is learning to climb onto the bed (the dog now has nowhere to escape him), so you know that we'll have to get him into sports to use up some of that physical energy. But I worry about running from here to there. I already feel too busy, and I have more opportunities than most people to pursue my church vocation and creative interests even while raising my son.

I came across this blog recently on "Slow Family Living," which gave me a chance to take a deep breath of relief ( http://slowfamilyliving.com/). From there, I found the following post in a New York Times blog on parenting, which is well worth a read:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/08/what-is-slow-parenting/
It fascinates me: as technology gets faster and faster, many people around the world are calling for a breather.

When I lived in Guatemala, and I would go walking in my mountain village, my host mother Toribia always sent me off, calling out a phrase that means, "Slowly, slowly, don't fall down." I found deep meaning in those words while living there, taking a year and moving with the Maya-Kiche seasons. Those words come back to me now, and I long to find a slow and steady rhythm to carry me through these days, even when "falling down" has happened.

What does "slow living" mean for you readers out there? How do you slow down?

"Purity of heart" and Toddler Parenting

Yesterday, Lucas made an exciting discovery: he can screech in an excruciatingly high pitch, and if he does so in the general vicinity of our dog, Billy, he gets a reaction which pleases him. Billy growls and runs away. Lucas laughs. All of this was going on while I was trying to make a salad for dinner. All I wanted to do was cut up some red onions, but I sighed and had the following conversation with myself:


Self 1: The kiddo is screeching at the dog.


Self 2: Ignore it. If you pay too much attention, he'll just keep it up.


Self 1: But the dog doesn't like it.


Self 2: It's not a big deal.


Self 1: But Billy might bite Lucas, and what will he learn if I let him harass the dog?


Self 2: I have to get this salad done, argh!


Self 1: Now where did that kiddo get to, anyway? (shrieking and growling from the back bedroom).


Was it Kierkegaard who said that "purity of heart is to will one thing"? (http://www.religion-online.org/showbook.asp?title=2523). Where toddler parenting is concerned, I find that willing one thing is darn near impossible. After all, in order to parent well, I must not only feed the toddler, but also myself; and in order to parent well, I must pick and choose my battles with the toddler; and in order to parent well, I must set reasonable limits on the toddler's behavior; and in order to parent well, I must MAKE THE SHRIEKING STOP!

Kierkegaard was writing about vocation and pursuing God's calling on our lives with clarity and decisiveness. But my life, as one who is called not only to church ministry but also to motherhood, is constantly pulled in many directions. Instead of willing one good thing, I find myself living every moment in the dynamic tension between many good things.

A couple of good books I've been working on recently include Also a Mother: Work and Family as Theological Dilemma and In the Midst of Chaos, both by Bonnie J. Miller-McLemore. I heaved a great sigh of relief when I read Miller-McLemore's perspective on how traditional spiritual practices of solitude and silence do not seem to be meant for people with children. I love silence and solitude, but I also love Lucas and the noisy chaos he brings into my life. Miller-McLemore believes that God is present and can be experienced in the midst of chaos, in practices of listening to children and in the tension of dual vocations.

Right now I'm not so sure. But I'm going to resist the temptation to read a few more parenting books, which often muddle me even more, and I'm going to attempt to trust The Parent of Us All to teach me how to parent peacefully. And I'm going to trust that the salads will get made, everyone will eat, Lucas will learn to respect Billy, and everyone will go to sleep tonight and wake up again tomorrow.

(Photo shows Lucas and Billy peacefully co-existing in May 2008.)